Something I hate about myself:

I’ve decided to try the 30 days of truth challenge that has been floating around the internet for a few years…..no matter how painful or how much I want to skip a question or two- I’m going to complete it.  Fairly confident I won’t do it in 30 consecutive days but I’ll do it.  Plus- I started this blog less than 3 weeks ago and can’t think of anything else to write.

Day 1:  Something I hate about myself….wow—that’s a tough first topic, isn’t it!?!  I mean- couldn’t I start with how awesome I am to build my confidence?  Well—I feel like I could create a list of things that I hate about myself but I’ll pick the one that has bothered me the most recently.  I have an uncanny need to not be responsible for what happens to me.  I make excuses for everything.  Every goal I’ve ever voiced in my life that never came to be had NOTHING to do with me.  At all.  Ever.  I didn’t become a famous Broadway actress and singer because I had a bad voice teacher who destroyed my confidence thus making it impossible to be an accomplished performer.  I didn’t get the promotion at a job because the boss had favorites and I wasn’t one of them.  I haven’t started teaching voice and piano students yet because I a)don’t have time b)need a babysitter c)am tired and overwhelmed d)need more practice e)….well, you get the picture. 

Years ago, I remember being in a voice lesson and my teacher asking me to do certain things…act out this part, try to hit this note differently- and I had an excuse for everything.  Well, I can’t act that part because I got too busy and didn’t do my character research or I can’t hit that high note because I’m tired and my voice is raspy.  She stopped me in my tracks and said “Wow- you really don’t want to do this.  You have an excuse for every suggestion so you don’t have to do it.  I’m not sure I can work with that kind of attitude.”  I was speechless-No one had ever told me that before.  (She was totally right).  I always thought I was motivated and secure but I think I had been on autopilot for a long time.  I never did the little extras that make the difference in every aspect of life. 

So- I hate the fact that I’ve excused my first 34 years because I’ve been scared I’d screw up or too scared to let myself be a work in progress or scared that the negative people in my life who thought I was talentless would be right or just scared of living a full life.  By embarrassingly writing this down, I’m hoping to change this pattern for good.  I started this blog because I’ve always said I wanted to be a writer and I write like one thing a year—with the blog, I’m forcing myself to put something down on paper regularly.  I’m not going to judge it- just let it sit there for the purpose of sitting there.  Same with everything else in my life!