2. You will never, ever, ever go to the bathroom alone ever again. I don't know that I have to elaborate this point but its weird how you get used to it and don't even notice someone hanging on to your leg asking for a snack or needing help tying a shoe during the time you'd most like to be alone.
3. Your children will physically hurt you and you will barely notice. One time while changing my son's diaper, he was laying there all quiet and docile. I was just thinking how wonderful and blissful my life was and how much I loved the little guy, when.....wham!!! Without warning, he reared back and kicked me full out in the neck....with sneakers on. Or, when my daughter was sleeping in our bed-- in the middle of the night, I was fast asleep and ....wham!!! She slapped me clear across the face with all her might. Only up side- you are so tired, you just roll over and go back to sleep (see #1).
4. Your husband will never, ever, ever smell a dirty diaper. Like ever. I can smell a dirty diaper 3 minutes before it happens. If I go shopping or running, I can smell the dirty diaper before I've unlocked the door to the house. When I ever so politely ask my husband why he hasn't changed the diaper, he'll tell me it's not dirty. Stinky diapers are not exactly subtle.....
5. You will always feel bad for your babysitter. One night we left my 3 year old son, my 8 month old daughter and our big dog with a sitter, Sarah, so we could have a date night. When we got home, Sarah relayed a story about her evening. My daughter fell asleep in the baby swing so she decided to give my son a quick bath. While he was playing in the tub, our daughter woke up screaming. Sarah drained the tub and went to get our daughter. As soon as Sarah got her into her arms, she heard a giggle behind her. It was my son....naked.....dripping wet....peeing all over the living room floor. At the exact same moment, our big dog made a weird noise, stood up and puked all over the rug. And this is the reason that we tip our babysitters.
6. You will never be able to kick a cold in a day or two. Last winter, my husband got a cold. He called in sick to work and stayed in bed watching sports center and sipping hot tea. Two days later, he hopped up and went back to work chipper and cheerful. I ended up getting the same cold only I couldn't call in sick to work.....so it became a whole month long ordeal. I shook the cold after a week or so only to follow it with a bout of laryngitis. As that started to clear, my right eye started to get itchy and puffy. After 24 hours, it started oozing and was in both eyes. I looked like a drunk bug with these huge, puffy eyes blinking at people all day. Once the pink eye subsided, I bookended the month by getting yet another cold. It was a miracle I didn't break my arm or lose a limb.
7. You will be proud of the most bizarre and inappropriate things your children do just because they make you laugh. For instance, my son was potty trained while we lived in NYC. I'm not sure if this is common in other cities, but sometimes in NYC, a public bathroom ( one that's not inhabited by a homeless person taking a bath in the sink) is hard to come by. With the boys, you teach them to just pee on a tree in the park. Be advised, if you are over the age of 5 or so, this is illegal but it's a perfect solution for a three year old. Once my son learned this new skill, he was so proud of himself. He began to drop his pants at the sight of a tree and marked every one in the neighborhood--exactly like our dog did. Or the time he got my husband a beer out of the fridge and brought it to him while he watched football. That was a big bonding day for daddy and son.
8. You will have long conversations about potty training with complete strangers....and it's totally not weird. I've told people at the park or in line at the grocery store the most intimate details of my sons bowel movements before I even know their name. I think it's an universal feeling to want to connect with adults again after you've spent the last few years so concerned with someone else's rear end. I can't believe the amount of casual conversations I've had with my husband where we rate the success of the day based on the dog's outdoor activity and the kid's bathroom triumphs.
9. You will consider the most inhumane parenting techniques to quickly solve a desperately disgusting situation. My one point involves pooping (see #8) of course. On a terribly long road trip to Canada to visit family, my daughter must have filled her diaper twelve times. Something about the open road for her is the same as a good magazine in the bathroom for others. Stop #12-- a park/playground that is right against beautiful Lake Ontario. The goal was to hit the public restroom and change her. As I reach to undo the car seat straps, it becomes immediately clear that she's pooped....everywhere. And everywhere as in.....up to her hair, down into her socks....I have absolutely no idea how this was possible considering we had just stopped 30 minutes before. It's 38 degrees outside and misty with rain. Within moments, I'm covered in poop, she's wailing and I have a car full of people just staring at me. I do the only thing possible....and strip her naked. If I was a near a hose, I would have sprayed her for 2 minutes.....and I absolutely considered how close Lake Ontario was right behind the car....a quick dunk under water and she would be washed clean. That was my inhumane parenting technique that almost was. But- we figured out a way to get her cleaned up, cleaned up the car, cleaned up me and went about our trip.
10. You will love them more than anything on earth. Everyone tells you this but you don't really get it until you 'get it.' They will make life before baby seem like a blur of unimportant nonsense. You will wonder why you ever felt busy before kids and why you ever complained about being tired. You will love every funny thing they say and hug them about 200 times a day. You will love tucking them in at night and love seeing them in the morning all warm from sleep (even if you get woken up to one of them quietly staring at you from the side of your bed in the dark). You will dream for them and with them and about them for the rest of your life.
9. You will consider the most inhumane parenting techniques to quickly solve a desperately disgusting situation. My one point involves pooping (see #8) of course. On a terribly long road trip to Canada to visit family, my daughter must have filled her diaper twelve times. Something about the open road for her is the same as a good magazine in the bathroom for others. Stop #12-- a park/playground that is right against beautiful Lake Ontario. The goal was to hit the public restroom and change her. As I reach to undo the car seat straps, it becomes immediately clear that she's pooped....everywhere. And everywhere as in.....up to her hair, down into her socks....I have absolutely no idea how this was possible considering we had just stopped 30 minutes before. It's 38 degrees outside and misty with rain. Within moments, I'm covered in poop, she's wailing and I have a car full of people just staring at me. I do the only thing possible....and strip her naked. If I was a near a hose, I would have sprayed her for 2 minutes.....and I absolutely considered how close Lake Ontario was right behind the car....a quick dunk under water and she would be washed clean. That was my inhumane parenting technique that almost was. But- we figured out a way to get her cleaned up, cleaned up the car, cleaned up me and went about our trip.
10. You will love them more than anything on earth. Everyone tells you this but you don't really get it until you 'get it.' They will make life before baby seem like a blur of unimportant nonsense. You will wonder why you ever felt busy before kids and why you ever complained about being tired. You will love every funny thing they say and hug them about 200 times a day. You will love tucking them in at night and love seeing them in the morning all warm from sleep (even if you get woken up to one of them quietly staring at you from the side of your bed in the dark). You will dream for them and with them and about them for the rest of your life.
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