Something I have to forgive someone for

Topic #4:  Something I have to forgive someone for:

I think I've been subconsciously avoiding this question for a few days.  It was far easier to write about forgiving myself- which I thought would be harder- than to think about this topic.  I'm at a certain point in my life where I get that I'm a work in progress and that some days are ugly and some days are perfect and I've grown to accept those triumphs for what they are.  But- it's still hard to think about seeing someone not at their best, negatively affecting you and years later still holding on to that resentment.  It really means that I have to get past it and maybe I'm not ready.  But I can't keep drinking this poison from my past.

So- to the meat of this topic--- I'll be a bit vague so I don't get sued when I'm a widely successful writer.  I had a teacher that worked with me for a long time that I'm now able to recognize as having been emotionally abusive.  It was torture.  The worst part was we worked one and one together and no one else witnessed what I went through.  She told me on a weekly basis that I was terrible.  I was a terrible person, a terrible dresser, an idiot, I needed to lose weight, I was an embarrassment, I had no talent, no one else would work with me because I was so atrocious, etc.......she even pulled my hair one time (the best part was I had this on tape and showed it to my roommate who was horrified).  The most amazing thing was that this teacher had so broken me down that I actually spent a few years of my life trying to win back the affection I so desperately wanted...instead of focusing on the people around me who felt differently from this teacher.  So many other people told me such amazing, positive things about myself but it was always tainted by the abusive comments that were thrown at me weekly.  

The best day was one of the last days I worked with this teacher-- this was literally said this to me, "Christina, I owe you an apology.  I have never treated another student as badly as I treated you.  I have no idea how you lasted."  (ahhhh-- victory at last......but wait....wait for it).  "You were easily the worst student I've ever had.  But now, you are fabulous.  You've come so far.  Look at the miracle I've created- I didn't think it was possible but I've created a masterpiece from nothing....."  So- the apology wasn't an apology-- it was a thinly veiled back handed compliment.  I would be nothing without this teacher.  I owe all my success to them.  It was almost worse than the hair pulling and the yelling at me and the name calling.  I'm lucky I survived.

It's amazing how a bully or an abuser can really dominate a victim.  I knew that I cried on a weekly basis after each encounter with this teacher.  I knew I got stomach aches the night before I saw this teacher.  Yet- I had no idea I was a victim of this type of abuse until I got away and had a bit of time to put it all together.  At first I was stunned, then I was angry- really really angry- for a long time.  I'm starting to get to the place where I realize that this teacher just wasn't up to the challenge of me.  And that's okay.  I can be difficult but that doesn't mean that I had to endure that kind of abuse.  It just meant that my teacher needed to be secure enough to tell me that I needed to work with someone else.  Because this teacher wasn't strong enough to do that, I suffered.  But- I also learned a lot.  I learned that what you say and how you treat people is far more powerful than what you 'teach' them.  Respect and encouragement go a lot farther than threats and beating someone down.  And, most importantly, I learned that everyone is a work in progress and that the most respectful, honest approach to life is admitting that and finding where your talents best fit.

To my former teacher, albeit a tough one-- I do forgive you.  I forgive you for being scared.  I forgive you for worrying about your job and what it would look like to your colleagues.  I forgive you for losing your mind and your focus and your ability to have self control around me.  I forgive you for being terrified of a student that made you question your ability as a teacher.  I forgive you for all the 'ugly' you showed me.  I forgive you for all the things that you did to me that you have never thought twice about and that I've mulled over for years....and years....and years.  And I thank you because you made me learn that my words and actions will affect people for years.  In the words of my favorite writer EVER-- Maya Angelou said it best "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."