NICU

I usually write funny posts....at least I try.  But today- I was reading an article about Hurricane Sandy and the evacuation of the premature babies in the NICU of the NYU hospital and immediately started crying.  So- no funny post today.  (BTW- the babies were all transported successfully).

My son was born 5 weeks premature.  To this day, we have no idea why he came early....but he did.  He was a great size and was responsive to everything but he lacked the strength or innate muscle control to eat.  The sucking muscles are some of the last to mature and it's a common problem in preemies- learning how to eat.  If you think about it, it takes a lot to learn to suck, swallow in rhythm and stay awake doing it.  Thus, he spent 10 days in a NICU while he grew and gained strength and learned how to eat on his own.

I feel the need to mention that he was probably the healthiest preemie they had in there.  He was a great birth weight and didn't have any breathing issues or other concerns.  But- it's still absolutely terrifying to be a 2 day old parent and have your child in a NICU.  It's something that I will never forget.  I remember how the soap smelled you used before you entered the room, the crazy beeping machines that registered every vital sign, the night I was there when another preemie had a scary emergency, the crying in the arms of a nurse I grew attached to because I was so overwhelmed and the dire frustration I felt every time we had to tube feed my baby because he wouldn't wake up. I remember meeting parents of twins in the waiting room whose little ones were born at 28 weeks and spent months in the NICU and hearing their story.  And- worst of all- I remember the day I was discharged from the hospital and had to leave my 2 day old son in a NICU bed all by himself while I went home across town.  I wept so hard......it was excruciating.

Well- 3 1/2 years later, and our son is just as precocious and wild and rebellious as anyone else his age.  He's healthy and lively and an absolute joy to be around.  But- I will always be haunted by those first days of his life.  I couldn't handle it then and I can't even think about it now.  We've had friends that have gone through a NICU experience after us and I remember getting the text that their baby was there.... I burst into tears.  When my friend in NYC told me on the street in front of Whole Foods that her baby was born a few days before at 34 weeks and was in the NICU but doing great.....spontaneous tears.  Just shaken to my core for the rest of the day.  And casually reading this article about the hurricane and coming across the paragraph detailing the safe transportation of the NICU babies to another hospital......immediate tears.

I don't think about it much anymore but it's amazing to me how those feelings, that fear, that emotional rawness is literally just under the surface of my skin......and that just the word NICU in an article can bring it rushing back in one second.  It will always be a huge part of my son's journey but such a defining one as a human being for me.