Empty/Full

I have to take my son to preschool tomorrow morning and I'm scared.  Really really scared.  When I lived in NYC on 9/11, I was scared and shaken and it changed me.  I cried and watched the news every moment I could for weeks.  It still hits me like a fist to the stomach once in awhile.  But- this is different.  I'm always shaken and scared when an act of random, evil violence invades our society.  But- this is different.  

I have a four year old son who wakes up every day asking me what we are doing, where are we going, who are we going to see, what are we going to eat.....the sheer joy of living is what greets me everyday (albeit a little on the early side sometimes).  My 16 month old daughter already shows off a fiercely delightful sense of humor and cracks herself up all the time.  She wants to do whatever her big brother does and is prone to giving random bear hugs all day long.  So- even though they often wear me out with their 'delight,' I'm surrounded by love and beauty every day.  Every. single. day.

I don't know how to be a good mother.  I don't know how to be a good grown up.  I don't know how to be a strong leader.  I don't know how to stop feeling the sheer pain, terror, panic and sadness that I feel.  I don't know how to teach my son to be strong and brave and opinionated and human when I'm so scared.  I don't know how to deal with the anger I will feel in a few weeks when I've dealt with the initial fear and 'moved on' and then I remember it all again.  

I'm scared that I will walk into my son's preschool tomorrow and demand to see how they are going to better secure the building.  I'm scared I won't be able to leave him there while I go Christmas shopping with my daughter.  I'm scared I won't be able to go into a store.  I'm scared I will sit in the parking lot for 3 hours watching and waiting with Cheerios in hand for my daughter- so my son can have a normal, happy Monday and I can feel like I'm doing something to keep him safe.  

I'm not sure how to move past this.  I'm not sure how to be brave and strong and human.  I'm not sure how to equip my children with all they need to know while allowing them to enjoy being babies and allow me to enjoy the wonder and sheer magic of motherhood.  I know that when I asked my son for a hug every other second last Friday- he didn't hesitate-- he got that something was sad and he could hug me and make it better.  

I'm so sad....and so scared....but I will take my son to school tomorrow.  I won't be able to bear it but I'll do it.  And I'll hug him no less than 30 times and tell him I love him with every ounce of my soul.